The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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