How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Randomize
