the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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