Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
