She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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