I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
