Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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