i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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