I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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