k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
