dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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