shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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