I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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