she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
