Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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