I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
