So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
