I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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