Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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