sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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