I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
