Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
did i just pee glitter
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
