you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
