I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
