The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
