It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
