I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
