he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
