Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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