I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
