Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I can't turn off my feet"
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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