I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I enjoy the company of your penis
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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