1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
