so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
