Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
