The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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