dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
