WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
