I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Did you pee in the oven last night??
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
