Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
