I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
