Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
