if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
