we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
