The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
