don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
