he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
