walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
