i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
