Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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